Hello, crimestoppers. Sorry I haven’t been around in a while (ahem, a year), but I was busy raising babies (well, one baby anyway) and planning lessons for unappreciative teenagers. Anyway, I was inspired recently in the shower (where I usually get most of my good ideas) to write this article. Plus, a man should never miss an opportunity to make his wife happy, so here goes.
Like most men, I think I take my wife for granted. However, every once in a while she does something that simply blows my mind. So here is a quick list of all the amazing things she can do:
Shitting
I didn’t mean to start off with the scatological stuff, but this really does need to be mentioned. When my wife goes “number two”, she is in an out of the bathroom in like 5 minutes. I am absolutely serious. It’s incredible. If the house was on fire, she would be able to have a bowel movement in the time it would take me to grab our son, my laptop, and all my back issues of Mad Magazine. I am astounded by her pooping ability on a regular basis.
Remembering Stuff
My wife has an incredible short-term memory. I can randomly mention something to her as she is walking out the door, with a million things on her mind and an arm full of paperwork, and I’ll be damned if that thing isn’t done by nightfall. I, by comparison, have to be reminded to do things over and over again. If she tells me to do something in the kitchen, by the time I’ve arrived in the den, it’s usually completely out of my head. How she puts up with me I have no idea. My guess is that the kid and the house payments are the only things that are keeping her around.
This is an important lesson to all you guys out there: if you’re with a girl who is way too good for you, be sure to burden her with as many permanent things as possible—like a family and a mortgage—and she’ll be a lot less likely to leave town the next time you screw up. She’ll probably think to herself, Yeah this guy is loser and all, but I’m not raising this kid by myself!
Multitasking
My wife has the astonishing ability to do several different things at the same time. One time I found her cooking dinner—with three different dishes being prepared at once—all while talking to her mother on her cell and entertaining our son. And she did this without even thinking about it. It’s like second nature to her. If I had been in the same situation: the food would have burned, my mother would have hung up on me, and my son would have found his way into our garage to play with the gardening shears. This is absolutely true.
Giving Birth
I think that because so many thousands of kids are born every day, all over the world, we constantly take for granted just how extraordinary it is that women can make babies. It’s the closest thing to a miracle that I have ever personally witnessed. My wife gave birth to a child, but I think it’s more fascinating that she gave birth to a consciousness. This kid will someday come up with his own thoughts and opinions. He will be able to construct complex, abstract ideas, and be able to reason his way through difficult scenarios. And the capability for him to do all of these things was right there at the moment of conception.
I was there in the delivery room when our son was born, and I can say that it was, by far, the most exhilarating and remarkable experience of my life. When that baby popped out of my wife (and, yes, I had to look down there, and no, I wasn’t traumatized by it) and the doctor placed him onto her chest, she gave me the most incredible look I have ever received. I’ll never forget it. AND (note the capital letters) she did it without drugs. AND, AND (note the capital letters and the repetition) she wants another one. I’m paraphrasing a comedian I once heard, but if I had squeezed a basketball through a part of my body that’s the size of a golf ball, I would never want to see that basketball again, much less do it twice.
Breastfeeding
This is yet another thing that simply astonishes me. And really, I don’t think that women are given enough credit for being able to provide personal nourishment for the first year of a child’s life—and beyond if necessary. I only fed our son breast milk with a bottle about a dozen times, and it was the closest I have ever felt to him. I can only imagine how it would have felt if that stuff was coming out of me.
Breast milk, by the way, is probably the most incredible substance that has ever evolved from nature. One time our kid had a nasty eye infection and my wife accidentally sprinkled a little breast milk on it. Boom, no more eye infection. And did you know that the chemistry and viscosity of a woman’s breast milk changes as her child grows older, in order to meet the dietary needs of the kid as he matures? That is fucking amazing!
By the way, there are way more than five amazing things that my wife can do, but I’d rather save those things for myself. Happy New Year, kids!
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