For those of you not well versed in French, the title of this post means, “I Hate Cheese” and it is one of the first phrases I ever learned in French class. I hate cheese like John Boehner hates shade. We just don’t go together. This is often the most polarizing trait about my personality when people get to know me. Most people just can’t believe I would pass on something so great as milk that sat around and got all hard. I know, it sounds so appetizing right?
Inevitably the first question following the echoing of, “You don’t like cheese?” is “Well what do you do with pizza then?” Pizza is a sticky subject with me. I like to stick with what I know. If you have me over to your house and want to order from your local mom and pop pizza shop (ha! poetry), don’t be surprised when I ask for Domino’s instead. Not because Domino’s is great or anything, but because I know how to order pizza from them in a way that I will enjoy it.
The key phrase for me when ordering pizza is either “easy cheese” or “light cheese” often times followed up with the further defining “like half the amount you would normally use.” Some combination of these terms will normally get my pizza to a state that I can enjoy. For me, I can deal with sparse cheese on pizza because of the combination of flavors. But if the cheese over powers the toppings, I lose it.
One of my favorite places to order pizza from is Papa Johns, mainly because they have Bacon as a topping. Not that commie Canadian shit, but real breakfast bacon. I order just such a pizza this weekend and did not have a pleasurable experience, and I blame the Papa Johns system. Please see Exhibit A:
Now I am no Dan Brown, but I think I can crack this code. To me this reads as, every time there is a “+” something is to be added to my order. So rather than getting a pizza with Light Cheese, I got a pizza that had Light Cheese added to the already normal amount of cheese, as if it were an additional topping. This is the stuff my nightmares are made of. So, I ask you people, “Does this look like a pizza that had less cheese than normal?”
There is so much damn cheese that I challenge any one of you to even find ONE of the pepperoni’s that adorn this pizza!
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