I know America loves Costco. If it makes me un-American to hate those fuckers, then that is fine by me. I believe I have many reasons to dislike them, but my current one really chafes my behind… Literally.
Now I am not one of those people that uses literally when they mean “figuratively.” Screw those people too. No, I mean literally. The last time Mrs. Rodius dragged me to that god forsaken place, I was trying to do the gentlemanly thing and lift the heavy items for my wife whom is 9 months pregnant. I know… Husband Of The Year.
Well instead of the fluffy, soft, seemingly-hand-quilted, toilet paper made by the fine people at Charmin, I picked up the 50 grit Kirkland brand sand paper not fit for an incarcerated child molester’s backside. Holy crap! Is this why the poor people in mid-west are always so uptight? They aren’t simpletons after all, they just can’t afford to buy the good stuff. I’d be mad at the world and looking to Christ as well if I began and ended my day with this stuff everyday! Lord save me!
Now I am stuck with the fucked up choice of do I ride this Carnie Wilson sized pack of torture paper out, because I paid for it after all. Or do I give in and spend more money and go get the good stuff? Fuck you Costco! I feel like the only true way to get even for my pain and suffering is to take some the half-doody-half-blood stained cat tongue textured paper down to my local Costco and drop it on their front step. Then fly a little flag in the center of it stating “Kirkland is not even fit for my ass!”
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
after your wife pops and you’re changing diapers you’ll start to wonder why you’re wiping your baby’s ass with a soft lovely towelette and your own with dry paper. you’ll wonder what it might be like and possibly steal a wipe or two from your child. then you’ll wonder why they don’t make these joyous things for adults. but they do! leave the toilet paper behind good sir and enter the world of flushable wipes. baby wipes for adults.
then after weeks of using and loving them, you’ll pull one from the plastic pop up thingy and wonder why the baby wipes for adults are half the size of baby wipes for babies. that one i still haven’t figured out.
Funny, you should bring the subject of Toilet Paper up. I have been thinking a lot about, toilet paper lately. Why? you ask. Well, I do tell. Toilet Paper has been invading the limited space between my ears, because…OF THE LAZY, GOOD FOR NOTHIN’ SHITS, literally, and figuratively, WHO ARE SO FREEKIN CLUELESS, THAT THEY CAN’T SEEM TO PUT A NEW ROLL, OR IN DOCUMENTED CASES, ROLLS!, BACK ON THE DISPENSER, OR DISPENSERS, WHEN SAID ROLL, IS AT ITS END, DONE, FINI! These, germ laden, crapsters, have no problem, grabbing a new roll, and leaving it… wherever. Sink Counter Top, Floor(that’s sanitary), Toilet tank lid, wedged in the Towel Bar. The last one takes effort, so WTF! No, these Cretans, must leave their shittin’, F&L, hand prints all over, the next users paper.
Thanks, for the subject matter. I gotta’ go take a poop now. By the way, we have a statue of moma bear, and baby bear, on our tank lid, and moma bear is holding the roll, OR NOT. It’s pretty cute. I bet the feller’ who came up with that idea, is makin’ a fortune!
Peace.
“Now I am stuck with the fucked up choice of do I ride this Carnie Wilson sized pack of torture paper out”
Laughed so hard I let out an uncharacteristic snort. Amusement can turn to self doubt really fast, it’s amazing.
“Thanks, for the subject matter. I gotta’ go take a poop now.” -Glad I could bring out the best in ya!
Chis,
I should note that for awhile I did embrace the wet wipe. However once exhausting my resources (as they were actually my wife’s make-up removers) I was too embarrassed to ask for replenishment.
I was a big fan of the dry, dry, wet, dry pattern to a-hole cleanliness. I found I could not end on a wet one, or I would feel moist when pulling up my pants. Not my desired result…
It’s like wiping with sandpaper, very thin sandpaper!
In a word, Mr Husband of the Year: Ouch! I will avoid Kirkland like a rash.
you know jared, you could donate the kirkland shit, and buy the legit shit. i mean do we really have to bitch about what you are wiping your ass with?
lol! At least your TP isn’t fake like mine was!
Wow…there’s quite a bit of TMI here. :) Especially in the comments. But I do find this post hilarious.
I LOVE Costco…and often spend way too much money there. And often their Kirkland products are just fine. But I have always refused to buy their toilet paper. I likes me some super soft fluffy angelic paper for my back side.
Plus, their cheese pizza is divine and so good hubby and I can eat an entire one together (in several different meals mind you).